Déjà Vu

放弃

2011-10-09T01:18:00.001-05:00

千万不要等到蟹放弃你的时候，那时你就最惨了，蟹绝对不会再回头，也许他会偶尔联系你，也会偶尔再给你温存，但是他绝对不会再和你一辈子，除非你付出非人的努力，因为这时蟹已经不信任你了，蟹对信任的要求很高，当他不信任你的时候根本谈不上爱和永恒。当他放手了他会彻彻底底从对你的爱情中解脱出来

I'm sorry , but i love you

2011-08-20T22:21:00.001-05:00

有些人不能在一起，可他们的心在一起；有些人表面在一起，但心却无法在一起；有些人从没想过在一起，却自然而然的在一起；有些人千辛万苦终于在一起，却发现其实他们并不适合在一起… 虽然我们不能在一起了，但并不代表我不爱你了。I'm sorry , but i love you

恋爱

2011-08-20T22:19:00.001-05:00

你遇上一个怎样的男人，你便会谈一段怎样的恋爱.

过去

2011-08-20T22:18:00.001-05:00

过去的不会再回来，即使回来也不再完美。

给未知恋人的爱情短信

2011-08-17T21:01:00.002-05:00

谈恋爱的对象，最好比你笨——不用太笨，只要笨到,会真心相信你的承诺，爱情就得以成立了。.....嗯.....可是啊......谈恋爱的对象，最好比你聪明——不用太聪明，只要聪明到,不去追究你的承诺，爱情就得以延续了。~~~~~

给未知恋人的爱情短信

2011-08-17T20:58:00.002-05:00

谈过的恋爱，并不会像剪掉的头髮，风一吹，就飘走了

宿命論

2011-07-07T19:32:00.000-05:00

宿命論。

今天想到了宿命論這個說法。其實之前也有說過那個人對我們相遇的說法。這一次他又說了宿命這個事情。他又說了，要不是沒有她，我們也不會相遇。

這讓我想到了另一件事情。想到她曾經說過很後悔讓他認識我們的事情。然後我又想到她覺得我利用了我們的友誼。現在想想，我還真的覺得有夠倒楣的。

要不是她，我也不會遇到他。要不是她堅持，我也不會認識他。要不是為了她，我也不會跟他聊。要不是因為她，他又怎麼會喜歡我。要不是因為她，我又怎麼會知道他的不好。要不是因為她，我怎麼會對他這麼沒安全感。要不是因為她，這一切的一切根本不會發生。全部都是因為她，而她竟然還敢對我有怨言。我才應該是那個受害者。

痛苦

2011-07-07T13:34:00.001-05:00

很长时间以后我才明白，痛苦是一回事，而痛苦所带来的心灰意冷又是另一回事。——石康

Closure

2011-07-07T00:48:00.000-05:00

In the last couple of days, I started to remember little things about you and me.

Like, how it used to upset you when you can't talk to me everyday. I remember you getting upset when I told you that I have to go while we are on the phone.

Like, you were 'mad' about us not watching the July 4th fireworks together.

Why did you come back into my life? After I had gotten over you, after I moved on from you, after I stopped talking about you, after I actually stopped hating you, You came back to my life again to mess up everything.

I was actually able to smile about us, before you came back. Now, all I feel is heartaches and sadness. I can't even cry about it, because I already used up all my tears for you.

Why did you come back? You just wanted a closure before you move on to Angela? Why did you even need a closure from me? Who is going to give me a closure then?

Intention

2011-07-06T21:49:00.000-05:00

I question your intention of as why you wanted to talk to me. According to yourself, you wanted to patch things up so we can end thing in good term. Also, that we can be talking from time to time.

Well... how is that going for you?

As for my own explanation of why you wanted to talk to me. You wanted to make sure that I will forever remember you. You cannot stand the thought of me moving on.

That's what I think.

Cannot Be

2011-07-03T00:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just have to look at the person and believe that ' this cannot be it '. This cannot be the person I love. This cannot be the end of my story. This cannot be how I'm going to be spending the rest of my life.

He doesn't love you. He doesn't want to be with you. All he wanted to do was to make sure that you will never forget about him. That was all. And now that he made sure of it, he just drop you like ... an used trash.

Maybe you were wrong about him before. But one thing was right for sure. He is not the one.

You just have to believe, this cannot be the end.

Story Of Us

2011-06-28T22:24:00.001-05:00

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us,
How we met and the sparks flew instantly,
People would say they're the lucky ones.
I used to know my place was a spot next to you,
Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat,
'Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on.

Oh, a simple complication,
Miscommunications lead to fall-out.
So many things that I wished you knew,
So many walls that I can't break through.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

Next chapter.

How'd we end up this way?
See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy,
And you're doing your best to avoid me.
I started to think one day I'd tell the story of us,
How I was losing my mind when I saw you here,
But you held your pride like you should've held me.

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending,
Why are we pretending this is nothing?
I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how,
I've never heard silence quite this loud.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

This is looking like a contest,
Of who can act like the careless,
But I liked it better when you were on my side.
The battle's in your hands now,
But I would lay my armor down
If you said you'd rather love than fight.
So many things that you wished I knew,
But the story of us might be ending soon.

[Chorus:]
Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room and we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate when it all broke down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now, now, now.
And we're not speaking,
And I'm dying to know is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah?
I don't know what to say, since the twist of fate 'cause we're going down,
And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now.

The end.

I just want to be happy

2011-06-27T23:03:00.000-05:00

Today, out of nowhere I realized what I been chasing after in the last week or so. I just want to be happy.

I thought by talking to him, trying to get part of old times back. I can be happy like how I used to be. I thought that's how I would get my happiness back. I was wrong.

I thought by seeing him, by agreeing to be his gf, I can be happy again. I thought if I try hard enough I can be happy again. I was wrong.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to get out of this mess.

Should I stop talking to him? Should I stop trying to relive the old memories? Should I break up with him? Should I move on and try to get pass this by myself?

I don't know. I just want to be happy. I just want to laugh and smile and be worry free. I want to be free of all those emotions. That's what I want. Please.

突然好想你

2011-06-19T21:58:00.001-05:00

最怕空气突然安静最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息

想念如果会有声音不愿那是悲伤的哭泣
事到如今终於让自已属於我自已
只剩眼泪还骗不过自己

突然好想你你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈

突然好想你突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

我们像一首最美丽的歌曲
变成两部悲伤的电影

为什麽你带我走过最难忘的旅行
然后留下最痛的纪念品

我们那麽甜那麽美那麽相信
那麽疯那麽热烈的曾经

为何我们
还是要奔向各自的幸福和遗憾中老去

突然好想你你会在哪里
过的快乐或委屈

突然好想你突然锋利的回忆
突然模糊的眼睛

最怕空气突然安静最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚绞痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息最怕此生已经决定自己过
没有你却又突然听到你的消息

Be Strong

2011-06-15T09:15:00.000-05:00

I told myself to be strong. When I was washing my face, I looked at myself and told myself to be strong. "You are not going back to having feelings for him" I kept repeat it to myself over and over and over again.

That's why I didn't take the hat. For one, I didn't spend a hour crying over a hat that I just lost for nothing. The other, I can not have anymore contact from him ever again. I can not go soft. I have to be strong. No more unrealistic thoughts about him. I just can't. I moved on and I'm happy now.

I haven't cry like this for ...almost a month now. I don't know why I cried like this. Letting out all those unfinished feelings? Kayy said I really need to think about why I cried like this. I think she was trying to say that I still have feelings for him. I do. I loved him so much, how can I not have feelings for him? But so? After what happened, it means nothing now.

I'm being really strong here. I'm not going to be drag back into his mess again. I won't do it.

Don't Wait

2011-06-14T09:17:00.001-05:00

Why wait until it's too late?

Meh, it seems like I have a lot to say on the topic but at the same time I don't really. I was just thinking about it on my way to the interviews this morning when I realized I'm about 10 mins away from the appt. time and I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I'M GOING. DUDE, AT LEAST GIME A NUMBER TO CALL.

Anyway, relationships are so confusing sometimes, especially when you are in a new one. I honestly thought I finally was done with all these stuff. I found someone I was totally comfortable with, totally can be myself with, and you know, I was done. Well, shet happens.

VERY nervous about 7/15 when he comes over to visit. But at the same time VERY excited. It's going to be totally different from my last experience. I think. This time he actually wants to go out and do stuff and not like stay in the whole time. lol.

Well, anyway, counting down to the date ;)

The End

2011-06-13T22:08:00.000-05:00

Truth is, it pains me to be apart with it. Not just the hat, of course I loved the hat. But I loved the rose too. I loved everything that he ever given me. It is not the item that matters. It is the heart that was behind it.

So, they lost the meaning when he lost the heart. It no longer means anything, to me or to him. So, it no longer matters. Nothing matters anymore. And after today, we no longer have any connection at all whatsoever.

We are just two strangers that once knew each other. We no longer means anything to each other anymore.

The End

Once and for all.

Sorry That I Loved You

2011-06-13T08:52:00.000-05:00

Wake up this morning with this song stuck in my head. Maybe it's a way that god wants to tell me sorry for you. You want to tell me that you are sorry right?

It's okay. I forgive you.

FOR ALL OF THE TIMES, THAT I TRIED FOR YOUR SMILE
FOR MAKING YOU THINK, THAT I WAS WORTH THE WHILE
SO YOUR LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE LOVE WOULD BE MINE

FOR SENDING YOU FLOWERS, AND HOLDING YOUR HAND
THAT NO ONE WAS THERE, TO TAKE A STAND
BUT THEN LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, MADE US BLIND

AND I’M SO SORRY THAT I HURT YOU, SORRY THAT I FELL THROUGH
SORRY I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU
I’M SORRY THAT IT CAME TRUE, BUT SORRY DOESN’T TURN BACK TIME
FOR ALL THAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU, I WISH THAT I COULD MAKE IT RIGHT
SO SORRY THAT I LOVED YOU, SORRY THAT I NEEDED YOU, SORRY THAT I HELD YOU TIGHT

AND I’M SO SORRY FOR…

MAKING YOU LOVE ME, AND SAYING GOODBYE
FOR BEING THE ONE, THAT TAUGHT YOU HOW TO CRY
IT WAS LOVE, LOVE, LOVE AND IT PASSED, US BY

FOR GIVING YOU EVERY THING, THAT YOU DREAMED
FOR TAKING IT BACK, WHEN I FLED THE SCENE
SORRY LOVE, FOR WASTING YOUR TIME

AND I’M SO SORRY THAT I HURT YOU, SORRY THAT I FELL THROUGH
SORRY I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU
I’M SORRY THAT IT CAME TRUE, BUT SORRY DOESN’T TURN BACK TIME
FOR ALL THAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU, I WISH THAT I COULD MAKE IT RIGHT
SO SORRY THAT I LOVED YOU, SORRY THAT I NEEDED YOU, SORRY THAT I HELD YOU TIGHT

AN APOLOGY NOW, AFTER ALL OF THIS TIME, WON’T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TONIGHT
BUT I’M HOPING “I’M SORRY” WILL OPEN YOUR MIND, TO LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IN YOUR LIFE

AND I’M SO SORRY THAT I HURT YOU, SORRY THAT I FELL THROUGH
SORRY I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU
I’M SORRY THAT IT CAME TRUE, BUT SORRY DOESN’T TURN BACK TIME
FOR ALL THAT I HAVE DONE TO YOU, I WISH THAT I COULD MAKE IT RIGHT
SO SORRY THAT I HURT YOU, SORRY THAT I FELL THROUGH, SORRY I WAS FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU

I’M SORRY THAT IT CAME TRUE, BUT SORRY DOESN’T TURN BACK TIME
I’M SORRY THAT I LOVED YOU, I’M SORRY THAT I HURT YOU
I’M SO SORRY THAT I LOVED YOU, I’M SO SORRY THAT I HURT YOU
SORRY THAT I LOVED YOU

Eff You

2011-06-12T19:51:00.001-05:00

Ahhh, really tired.

I'm just going to come out and say it. You effing pissing me off. What exactly is, you just wondering where is it? Why even bother to ask if I still have it? That's some bs. I dont even remember about that thing until you bought it up. Now it just feels like a needle that's keeping poking my heart. Man, you are good.

Just effing leave me alone already. I'm so sick and tired of hearing about you two. I already walked away. I already left you two alone. WHAT THE EFF DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Don't use you happy ever after as a way to hurt me. I'm don't own you guys shet. If anyone owns anyone anything, you two owns me all your effing happiness and crap.

Take it, just take everything. Take anything you want back. I don't need anything from you. I don't want anything from you. Just get the eff out of my life.

Out of Control

2011-06-11T21:57:00.000-05:00

Today someone told me, I'm not allow to like anyone else, I'm not allow to be with anyone else. I'm his, and I can't go anywhere.

Well, it's not that I don't like the idea of being own by someone. But honestly, shouldn't he ask for my permission first? -_-

I feel like things are getting out of control lol.

The NoteBook

2011-06-10T22:48:00.000-05:00

I saw "The Notebook" with a friend today. It was a nice movie, I liked it a lot. I remember used to think that this movies is a like lot my ex and I.

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out. "

"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah "

"Yes... it wasn't over, it still isn't over "

well, I used to think that. lol

06-10-2011

2011-06-09T23:42:00.002-05:00

06-10-2011 <3

Special day <3

can't wait for 07/15/2011 to come!

别爱上巨蟹座

2011-06-09T15:09:00.001-05:00

请别爱上巨蟹座，巨蟹座等不起，怕寂寞。请别爱上巨蟹座，巨蟹座喜欢折腾人，一会儿哭，一会儿笑。请别爱上巨蟹座，巨蟹座的世界里没有所谓公正，永远只和自己爱的人站在一边。请别爱上巨蟹座，巨蟹座喜欢自相矛盾。请别爱上巨蟹座，巨蟹座很好，很好，很好，好到你无法承担。

Someone Like You

2011-06-09T10:37:00.005-05:00

I heard that you're settled down,
That you found a girl and you're married now,
I heard that your dreams came true,
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you,
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead, yeah,

You know how the time flies,
Only yesterday was the time of our lives,
We were born and raised in a summer haze,
Bound by the surprise of our glory days,

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited,
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it,
I had hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over,

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nothing compares,
No worries or cares,
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made,
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"

Nevermind, I'll find someone like you,
I wish nothing but the best for you, too,
Don't forget me, I beg,
I remember you said,
"Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead,"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
But sometimes it hurts instead.

======================

Someone posted this on my Facebook today. I love this song, I love Adele.

This song basically said everything I wanted to say to you.

It's funny even though I tried my best to cut myself away from everything about you. The world still manage to find a way to tell me how you are doing. I heard you are seeing her. I heard you guys are happy. I heard you are happy. I heard she's happy. I heard she's making you happy. I heard everything is going great. Your life is perfect the way it is right now. I heard you thanked me for it. I heard you said I did you a favor by breaking up with you. I'm glad. lol.

Your dreams are finally coming true. You finally found someone that you truly love and truly loves you back. Maybe what we had was all a lie, a lie we told each other and ourselves to believe that we were in love. That we were meant to be together, that we wanted to be together forever. It was a good lie, it was like a dream, when you wake up, you just forget about everything. I wish nothing but the best of you too.

I love the story this song tells. Except the part that says finding someone like you. I don't want to. Being in love with someone like you once is enough. I don't need to find someone else like you again.

Sad

2011-06-08T15:02:00.003-05:00

Got a letter from my credit card company yesterday. It was to remind me that I have a lot of reward points that I can use to book travel. It was enough to cover the hotel and car rental, but not quite at the plane ticket level yet.

Well, none of that matter now. I don't need to travel anymore lol.

I was talking to Jon yesterday. It's been months since I talked to him. He had no idea what happened. For a moment, I wanted to tell him everything that happened. What I went through, what you did, what I did, what is going on right now, how I felt, how I still feel. I started to cry without even saying anything. It's not that it still hurts me, what happened. It's just, ... I'm not sure either.

So, I finally just told him. What really really sadden me the most is, deep in my heart I know, no matter what happen, no matter what we do, no matter how long, we will never go back to the way we were, ever. That's what's making me sad.

LOL

2011-06-07T22:19:00.001-05:00

LOL. Omg I was like SRSLY worried something like that could make us not work out.

Man, I'm so glad we had the talk. heehhe, now I'm not worry about it anymore.

Everything is too good, maybe I should be worry a little o.o

I Say A Little Prayer

2011-06-06T21:23:00.001-05:00

So, I was doing research for my paper for class then one of the article was title ' say a little prayer ' and I was like, OMG I love that song. So I went to youtube it and found the version I really liked was a scene from 'My best friend's wedding'. It's a lovely song ;)

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you
While combing my hair, now,
And wondering what dress to wear, now,
I say a little prayer for you

Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever, we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.

I run for the bus, dear,
While riding I think of us, dear,
I say a little prayer for you.
At work I just take time
And all through my coffee break-time,
I say a little prayer for you.

Forever, forever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, forever we never will part
Oh, how I'll love you
Together, together, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only be heartbreak for me.

My darling believe me,
For me there is no one
But you.

Happy

2011-06-06T00:24:00.002-05:00

He always seem to find a way to make me happy.

I was kinda mad, when he didn't say anything the other day when I mention about wanting to see xmen the movie. I even gave up on the idea going to see the movie together. Then today, out of nowhere, he actually already had a plan about everything. haha.

He said, it's probably a better idea to instead of just meeting up for one day, but the whole weekend. He would drive up here and spend the weekend here in a hotel. I offered to help with the gas and hotel and he said he can handle it fine. I told him I can cook for him when he gets here ;)

so different it's nice being with someone more mature.

So cute

2011-06-02T00:46:00.001-05:00

awww... just as I said that I'm gonna go to bed, he started giving me the puppy eyes .. haha awww.. maybe we should skype earlier next time.

Broken

2011-06-01T08:32:00.002-05:00

You broke me ...

what if I can never feel love again? what if I can never walk out of these in one piece? what if I can never feel the same way about someone again?

You broke me ...

With your empty promises. With your petty lies. With all your fakes hopes and fake dreams. With your memories.

You broke me ...

My heart hurts so bad. I can't breath on my own. I cry when I hear songs about love.

You broke me ...

Now that you are happy. Now that you found the one. Now that you said that I was just a mistake. You broke me and you just walk away like it's none of your business. You don't care about the damage you done.

You broke me ...

Blanacing

2011-06-01T08:00:00.002-05:00

One of the good thing about seeing someone that's in your time zone is that you don't actually have to change your schedule just to talk to the person. Another thing is that you can actually lead a normal life instead of having to think about ... the whole + 3 hours/- 3 hours thing. It's such a good change.

I like how we both have a life that we still carry on despite of our relationship. Like ... we are not trying to tie each other down to where we have to be talking 24-7. I mean, we do talk every almost day and we do try to text each other when we can. But like, if he's working, if I'm in class, we got our stuff to do we aren't like, omg you gotta talk to me or whatever. It's just a good balance of two life.

We kind of talk about the future a little bit. Cause I was telling him about the job interview I have next week, and what it could do to my future. Good thing is that he is not saying omg no I'm not moving if it comes down to that. His job is kind of easy to relocate I guess ... But yea, it's just nice to know that if that option ever comes up in the far far far future, it's not going to be like, no we are not going to even consider it, the answer is always going to be no. Some people are just selfish like that. lol.

Grrr

2011-05-31T01:28:00.001-05:00

I don't understand guys, like Jake and Jono. Like seriously, what's wrong with them?

What do you mean, you don't know what to talk about? What's the point of calling me 3 in the morning and kept me up until 5 and just acts like you are bored the whole entire time? What's with, I have nothing to talk to you about? Like really? Then gets all mad when I said that I'm going to sleep. OMG WHY WHY WHY?

and Jono too. What's because I feel like it? Like seriously? If you are not going to wear it then what's the point of getting it? I don't get it. I will never understand guys like them.

GRR

On the side note, great day <3

Oh Great ...

2011-05-30T10:09:00.003-05:00

Great. How is that even after 2 months and half, you still manage ruin something for me? It's like impossible to get away from you. lol.

I didn't understand the differences between having sex and making love. You were kind of the only guy I ever had. So, naturally I can't tell the differences. No, I did not sleep with someone else. Although I would really love to get the idea that you are the only one out of the way. Sadly, I'm not like you. I do not sleep around. Bleh ...

Anyway, I can't believe the whole having sex and making love actually makes a difference right now. I was lying in bed, out of breath and thinking ... ' ARE YOU KIDDING ME? ' to myself. That is just great ... I can't even enjoy the simple thing I enjoy in life.

Thanks a lot. Jerk.

Fun

2011-05-29T22:35:00.003-05:00

I honestly cannot remember the last time I laugh so much when I was talking to someone. The most I ever did was just smile the whole entire conversation. But with him, I was literally laughing until I have tears in my eyes, sore face and stomach pains. He said he likes the way I laugh, any kind of laughing. =)

Bleh, It seems like I have more work due on Tuesday as I expected. Not only I have to read the 6 articles for the essay I'm writing. I'm reading another 4 articles for the class next week. And honestly, how hard is it to research the topic? I can't even find any articles to back up my conclusions. This is Crap. lol

She said I'm a horrible person. I guess I am, for what I did. But can you blame me? It's not like I planned it. It just happened. I'm in a new relationship, of course I'm going to be thinking about this guy more than I think about the other guy's feelings. Should I say, Ops I did it again? Bleh. He said he doesn't think I'm a bad person. He even told me not to worry about it. He doesn't want this to get between our relationships. Maybe I need a couple of days to get over this.

Smile Again

2011-05-28T22:18:00.002-05:00

You are my sunshine, My only sunshine.

You took my smile away, with your new girlfriend, your new life, your better life, and your words. You took my hopes and dreams away, with everything that you did. You took my happiness away, with all your empty promises.

He is like a sunshine after the storm. He made me smile again. He made me feel like I can have hopes and dreams again. He made me feel like, I can be happy again.

He is my sunshine, my only sunshine.

恨

2011-05-28T22:02:00.002-05:00

You don't play ms anymore. For her, I suppose.

No matter how much I beg you. How much I plead with you. How many time I asked you. You wouldn't give up ms to spend more time with me. It's your escape you said. Your escape from what? What are you running from?

It seems like, you were running away from me. You were escaping into MS to get away from me. And what is she? Your new home?

I 恨. I 恨 so much. so much ...

I wish

2011-05-27T13:25:00.002-05:00

I really wish, people would stop telling me stuff. I mean, yes I knew they are together. I knew that since day 1. lol. But it doesn't mean I would want to hear it from him/her personally. Although, I always knew this anyway.

Funny thing about fate. A guy I knew was talking about fate yesterday. He asked me if I believe in fate. Then this other guy I know asked me about horoscope yesterday. All in the same day. I don't believe fate or horoscope or blood type or birthday sort of thing. I read it from time to time, usually when I'm especially depressed about something. But it just never seem real to me. Maybe when I was a little girl.

Anyway. When they were talking about fate, I remembered what my ex said about fate. I think it was pretty recently when my ex told me that he thinks the reason fate bought him and her together was because it was the only way he and I would meet. They were together, so he can meet me and fall in love with me. Well, that was what he said before. Now I think that he has a different version of that story. The new version would be, fate was trying to show him how much she would mean to him by using me. or some crap like that lol. I don't know how to put it.

I didn't think I would have so much fun last nite. It was kind of weird at first. He was like really really negative and ... mean lol. But I think I end up had a lot of fun talking to him. I was smiling the rest of the time even though I was super sleepy. Maybe it will work. We should always try new things right?

Do you

2011-05-26T23:15:00.002-05:00

I don't understand why do you hate me. Like, I really can't see a reason at all. You deleted me off bl and everything. When did you ever do that to any of your ex?

And don't say stuff like, I delete you all the time. You are you, I am me. I have emotional control problem. Do you? You deleted me like off everything. Why do you hate me?

I don't think about you a lot now. Just sometimes, you sneak up on me. I don't know why. And sometimes, I can't breath, when I think about you.

I really couldn't forgive you. It's not about who you slept with. It's not about how you lied to me about your feelings for her. It's about you and long distance relationship.

Do you remember how many times I asked you if you think you are ready to be in a long distance relationship? Do you remember I give you the chance to back out of this relationship? Do you remember me telling you how hard it was going to be? Do you?

And do you remember what you said? Do you remember how you promised? No, you don't remember. I can never forgive you for doing this to me.

重新再爱一遍

2011-05-26T22:13:00.001-05:00

有时候, 在恋情都已经结束了很久以后, 我们才渐渐醒悟原来那时候我们爱那个人的方式, 错了。。。然后, 我们就忽然很想把那个人找回来, 重新再爱一遍。。。。【康永 ~ 给未知恋人的爱情短信】...........

太难得

2011-05-26T22:12:00.001-05:00

我們有時并不想从失戀的悲傷走出来, 如果那次的爱太难得。。。。。【康永 ~ 给未知恋人的爱情短信】...........

很傻

2011-05-24T00:40:00.000-05:00

有些人﹐就是很傻。其實是有些女人很傻。當然﹐有些男人也很傻﹐我身邊就有一個很傻的男人。分手以後總想著﹐他還在乎我嗎﹖他還愛我嗎﹖他會想著我嗎﹖他會知道我最近在做什麼嗎﹖這都是一些傻子在想的事情。因為事實上﹐在分手的那一秒鐘以後﹐他就什麼都不在乎了。他腦子里想的﹐就是下一個女人。下一個他想追的女人﹐跟他睡的女人﹐跟他在一起的女人﹐他將會愛的女人。所以他的滿腦子里﹐根本沒有地方想那個已經分手的女人了。女人就是不能認清這一點﹐所以才傻。傻的要死了。
咱家小美女問我。為什麼這麼難過的時候不好好的跟他說說。可是要說什麼呢﹖說我愛他﹖說別走﹖那﹐當初我又為什麼要跟他分手呢﹖就是有很好的理由嘛。他吃不了遠距離戀愛的痛苦。他沒辦法忍受兩年的等待。才跟他分手的。咱家小美女又問我﹐為什麼不看他傳的信。為什麼要看呢﹖看了有什麼用呢﹖他會解釋什麼嗎﹖不會。他會挽留嗎﹖不會。他會罵我嗎﹖非常會。所以﹐我為什麼要看呢﹖他現在只想罵我而已。我看了要做什麼﹖看了就是圖傷心。看了就是知道他無情。他無情﹐我早就知道了。我可是一路看著過來的。沒必要再看了。
我累了。累的完全沒有力氣了。累到都想死了去了算了。可是我不行。太多負擔了。所以只能好好的活著。累的要死的活著。

completely stupid

2011-05-23T01:24:00.000-05:00

No matter how serious life gets, you still gotta have that one person you can be completely stupid with. /无论生活有多难，最终，你都会找到那个让你心甘情愿傻傻相伴的人。

为你哭

2011-05-23T01:22:00.002-05:00

不要让那个喜欢你的人，撕心裂肺地为你哭那么一次。因为，你能把他/她伤害到那个样子的机会只有一次。那一次以后，你就从不可或缺的人，变成可有可无的人了。即使他/她还爱你，可是总有一些东西真的改变了。———@安东尼《这些都是你给我的爱》

伤害

2011-05-23T01:22:00.001-05:00

男人对女人的伤害，不一定是他爱上了別人。而是他在她有所期待的時候让她失望。在她脆弱的時候没有扶她一把，在她成功的時候竟然妒忌她。——张小娴

嚴爵 - 又不是這樣就不孤獨

2011-05-23T00:06:00.000-05:00

愛到孤獨傷害更多做那麼多寂寞更多
我以為妳就是結果以為我們就不痛但我錯了
話都說了心也縮了靈魂掏了夢也塌了
如果不能讓妳懂得不能讓妳快樂那麼我放了

我還給妳自由趁我現在還能夠
感同身受誰讓最愛妳的人是我

有愛又有什麼用處
又不是這樣就不孤獨
還是那麼輸
又在妳的世界荒蕪
留下來也沒有前途
不如我們曾那麼幸福

我在沉默妳在沉重我在失落妳在失重
我們不再習慣遷就現在喜歡追究最後我懂了

有愛又有什麼用處
又不是這樣就不孤獨
還是那麼輸
留下來有什麼幫助
又不是這樣就不孤獨
我們曾那麼幸福

淚在回憶掙扎
淚為遺憾蒸發
我許下的天堂
妳不要的天堂
我~我無法承受
妳紅了眼眶

It's not about love

2011-05-22T23:00:00.002-05:00

I started to cry, I have no idea why I did. I guess I kinda do, but at the moment I didn't understand. He said, I don't have to love him. He just wants to be with me. He just wants to be able to talk to me everyday, see me everyday, and ... just be there for me. It doesn't have to be a relationship.

I started to cry. I was so angry with someone else. I just couldn't hold it in anymore.

If he had listen to me when I told him he couldn't take the difficulty of a long distance relationship. Then none of these would've happen. Why didn't he listen? I am so angry with him.

--

It's not about love. It's about the temptation. You don't need to have love, to do it. It just needs to be good.

My Sweet Revenge

2011-05-21T22:18:00.001-05:00

I am the LOVE of your life

One day YOU will REGRET letting me slip away
You will HATE yourself for drive me away

Because you will REALIZE I am one of a kind
There is NO ONE else in the world like ME

You will find out one day
That you can NEVER love another person
As much as you love me

You will find out one day
That you don't want to love another person
As much as you love me

You will spend the rest of your LIFE
Looking for FRAGMENTS of me

Every time you say I LOVE YOU
You will REMEMBER how much you love ME

And that's when I will have
My sweet sweet REVENGE

Because I am the love of your life

Dream

2011-05-21T10:55:00.001-05:00

I had dream

We were having drinks together

You ordered Hopes

I had Dreams

And we down them like

There was no tomorrow

I remembered the despair I felt

I ordered another shot call regret

You laughed

And order something named karma

Then we sat there together

Listening to the sound of broken hearts falling on the floor

We started singing

"I love the way it hurts"

Trust is like broken paper in the wind

You can never get all the pieces back

I wanted to ask if you ever loved me like you said you did

Or did you play me like everyone saying you did

Are you happy

Are you in love and forgot all about me

Did you take away all my hopes and dreams

And gave them to the girl now lays in bed next to you smiling calling you love

Is she the love of your life now

How many lifes do you have?

How many loves can you have?

Do you whisper same sweet little things in her ears?

Stop! I said.

To all the memories that's hunting me.

To all the Hopes and Dreams I lost

I had another shot of Regret

Take all your Promises back

Take all your Pictures of Futures back

Take all you Sweets Talks back

Take your memories of Love back

I stood up. Picked up my jacket

Walked away and never look back again.

全屬虛構

2011-05-21T10:54:00.001-05:00

這麼多人看我說什麼，真有面子。我說的話有這麼好看嗎？嘿嘿

做人有點志氣。那天有人問我，我是在搶嗎？拜託，搶男人這丟臉的事情，小姐我還真的做不出來。低聲下氣求別人別離開我的窩囊事，我也做不來。再說我要真的要做我也要看人做。他？值得嗎？我真的想要，我需要搶嗎？我們上一次交手是誰贏誰輸啊？

可憐的人，好好抓住在手中假想的幸福吧。不知道有多少人在等著看笑話呢！你想演這一出，我還不想陪你丟臉。你還不如想想怎麼讓他們跌破眼鏡。

以上所說，全屬我看偶像劇有感而發。如有雷同，全屬虛構。請勿對號入坐。

假惺惺

2011-05-15T11:43:00.001-05:00

今天太早起床了。頭昏昏的。等下午的飛機的時候再慢慢睡。

你知道﹐每次分手都總是有人放馬後炮。就是那種平時都沒什麼話說﹐可是一等你跟別人分手他們就會跑來跟你說些有的沒有的東西。什麼我早就知道他不是什麼好東西。什麼我們都不知道你以前看上他什麼。什麼我就知道他是利用你的。什麼你要是早點來問我﹐我就可以告訴他從以前就是一個玩弄女人的人。總之就是那些有的沒的馬後炮。這個我以前跟 drae 在一起的時候﹐就深深體會到了。就是那些明明知道他腳踏兩條船﹐還每天看到我都什麼都不說。等到我自己發覺到以後﹐他們才趕快跑來跟我說什麼他們早就知道了。還要我別為那種爛人傷心﹐要好好過日子。

這種人﹐最討厭。假惺惺的朋友。要是早就知道﹐為什麼不早點說﹖要是真的是朋友﹐難道不會好好保護朋友嗎﹖那天一個女生追著我朋友﹐要他幫她買東西。還不停的撒嬌裝可愛。我就把我朋友拉到一邊﹐跟他說別上當了。那個女生很爛。我寧可當壞人﹐我也要保護我朋友。有什麼話﹐就是要直說。不要等傷害已經造成了﹐才再那邊當好人。做朋友是這樣做的嗎﹖如果你不打算漟這個混水﹐那你就什麼也不說。當過旁上人就好了。少在那邊假惺惺。

你自己負責

2011-05-15T01:38:00.001-05:00

i love my hope shirt. i love wearing it to sleep. and maybe sometimes going out. but it's getting too old to be going out wearing it. but i'm taking it to vegas/la with me.

we all need a little hope in life. especially when you are feeling really down. like the world has given up on you. all the bad things are happening altogether. one thing after another. then you remembered, there is always hope. take a deep breath and ... everything would eventually be alright.

i like my hope shirt.
idk why my phone always take yellowish picture. maybe i should check that out sometimes.

i remember saying something about hands. but i can't remember now. something about, holding on. meh.

omg i am totally stressed out by my class now. i literally spent 6 hours trying to find the articles to support my concept for my essay. it almost drove me crazy. like honestly, why doesn't people write articles that supports something? i felt like pulling my hair out. i decided to bring my books with me to read on the trip. else, there is no way i could finish everything in 3 days. i still got to send it to the reading lab too. for extra 20pts or w.e. ahhh 300 lvl class is really not the way to start >.<

i was packing for the trip earlier. it seems so weird. i mean, i got pretty good at packing for trips. it just the stuff i'm packing are so different and yet the same. i'm going through my mind thinking about the thing i'm suppose to pack. i'm still using the same suit case. i'm still packing the same clothes. the same bag i used to pack my shampoo and shower gel etc. well, i'm not packing some of the things that i'm usually packing. that would be really bad if my mom sees them. i'm thinking about throwing them away anyway. brings back bad memories.

i'm still going to the same airports. i'm still parking at the same spot. i'm not going alone this time. although i'm still going just about the same place. the flight is just about the same. i'm dreading this trip at the same time, i think it would be good for me. i need to get away from everything, even just for a couple of days.

had a really nice talk with a friend. surprisingly i actually felt alright. that means i'm getting better right? well, i'm going to church with mom tomorrow. i will remember to make sure to ask god to give me the strength i need for this.

i think i accidentally hurt my neck. i probably was scrubbing too hard. it was bleeding a little. -_-

我希望你們走的越遠越好。不想看到你們。去過你們幸福快樂的日子吧。

我希望你們幸福快樂﹐因為如果不這樣﹐那他對我所做的一切傷害都白費了。只有這樣﹐我才能覺得我受的傷害是值得的。至少﹐他做的一切是值得的。因為你們是幸福快樂的。你們的幸福快樂是我用痛苦﹐難過和傷害換來的。是用我的淚水﹐我的心痛﹐我的不幸替你們換來的。所以你們一定要幸福快樂。這樣的邏輯到底對不對啊﹖思考一下。好像有點變態。我變成變態了。

今天有好好的考慮一下﹐我到底還要不要繼續在這裡 blog 下去。然後我想﹐這裡是我先來的。要走﹐不也是應該要你們先走嗎﹖不過我是有別的 blog 可以寫。無所謂吧。

明天要去教堂為我自己好好的祈禱。再也不會為你祈禱了。你自己的幸福快樂﹐你自己負責。

好累好累

2011-05-13T21:30:00.000-05:00

我好累。累到我寧可繼續做惡夢也不想要起床面對一切。累到我不想有任何感覺。

我不想見他。我不想看到他。我不想知道他的名字。我只希望他消失。我只希望他跟她過著幸福美滿的日子。只要他消失在我面前。我不在乎。

我不去點他的名字。我不去尋找他的消失。我什麼也不做。可是為什麼他不肯就成全我消失在我面前﹖為什麼他就不肯好好的跟她在一起﹐然後不再在乎網絡上的一切﹖他有了她了﹐為什麼不能讓我有我僅剩下的﹖

好想哭。好想瘋了。好累好累。

不爭氣

2011-05-13T13:13:00.000-05:00

要說一些不爭氣的事情。

今天我在想﹐其實一直到現在我還是沒辦法真正從那段關係里真正跳脫出來。一年多﹐我感覺他好像用了一條繩子把我們兩個緊緊綁在一起。也許一開始﹐繩子是他綁的﹐可是都後來是我們彼此把那繩子越綁越緊。

從一開始﹐我們就把兩個人的生活交叉在一起。即使我們是那麼的遙遠﹐是那麼的不同。從眼睛睜開的那一瞬間﹐到晚上睡前閉起的那一刻﹐更多時候﹐當我們都熟睡的時候﹐我們都還在電話上。無論做什麼﹐想什麼﹐說什麼﹐我們都一直跟對方在一起。分享了我們的點點滴滴。

所以即使在我們分手了以後﹐即使在他做了那麼可惡的事情以後。對我來說﹐我的身﹐心﹐都還在想著﹐我是他的女朋友。還是無法讓自己習慣﹐因為我真的無法控制。這種事情﹐還真的需要時間來慢慢適應﹐沒辦法急的。

也許﹐也因為如此﹐我覺得他做的事情對我來說是一種嚴重的背叛。畢竟即使是到了最後那一刻他還是一直說他深愛著我。他還是說著未來﹐說著無法離開﹐說著在一起。如果他是真的這麼想著﹐那他為什麼還能做出那樣的事情呢﹖我無法理解﹐嚴重的背叛。

他不懂這些。所以他有很多的理由。有很多的借口。可以冠冕堂皇的指責我。可以理直氣壯的認為我沒有難過的道理。

他不懂的是﹐我為什麼總是說﹐他不愛我了。因為﹐如果他還愛著我﹐那他就不會做這些事情。他就會明白我為什麼會難過。可惜﹐他不懂。

我最親愛的

2011-05-13T13:12:00.001-05:00

上個禮拜還很喜歡聽這個歌﹐結果還讓我妹從台灣幫我買張 CD回來。人噢﹐就是腦袋不清楚了。

總之今天又再聽一次這個歌﹐結果歌都還沒放到一半我就開始想飆髒話。這首歌還真的不適合現在聽。聽了就想吐。噁心

說到今天﹐ 發生了很可愛的事情。有個人跟我說﹐其實他從去年就很稀飯稀飯我了。我說﹐那你怎麼沒跟我說啊﹖你要是說了 ﹐就會省了我一年以來的眼淚跟心碎。我真是嘔死了。話說當時﹐我對他也是很有感覺的說。他竟然還說他很害羞﹐昏。這年頭還有男人害羞的啊﹖那我說﹐你現在怎麼敢跟我說了啊﹖我忘記他說了什麼了。哈哈﹐ 有夠好笑的。

其實我也不是在找什麼該死的 soul mate 什麼的。就只是 dating 而已。那個什麼什麼剛分手的人不是都來這一套嗎﹖ 要是真的適合﹐才有後話嘛。

今天做了一件很爽的事情。某個骯髒的人竟然還有臉給我發 PM。我是起床的時候看到的﹐ 只看了主旨是什麼什麼 ‘for the record’。再看是那個髒人發來的我整個人就沒意思了。所以就放著咯。

後來我想了一下﹐他這個人還能有什麼話跟我說﹖一來﹐不就是說我是白痴﹐他上次已經罵過我了。二來﹐他不就是說我活該﹐他這個也說過了。三來﹐他就是說我無聊很煩﹐這個每天都在說。四來﹐就是要我別說什麼愛不愛了﹐拜託老娘早就看清楚你了。我還管你愛誰誰去。五來﹐就是 … 算了﹐我也不知道。總之就是我沒空看那些無聊的東西。所以我就跟我們那可愛的小美女說了說﹐她竟然還說我肯定會看的。我這個人就是經不起人嗆我。所以我就問她﹐ 你想看嗎﹖她說她才不要。那我就連看都沒看就給他刪了。哈哈﹐真的是太爽了。

你不是經常說﹐你以前最愛的就是我們是很相似的兩個人嗎﹖ 是啊﹐我們是很像。分手的時候﹐你說是你比較狠還是我比較狠﹖哈﹐我只知道﹐我比較乾淨﹐你比較髒。這狠不狠嘛﹐實在是很難說的。反正你很愛嘛﹐就愛著吧。

真正愛你的人

2011-05-13T13:11:00.000-05:00

我走出來了。所以就再也不會回頭了。
一個真正愛你的人﹐是不會一邊說愛你還一邊跟別人亂搞。
一個真正愛你的人﹐是不會在才跟你分手﹐就馬上做出傷害你的事情。
一個真正愛你的人﹐更不會知道你在痛還告訴你是痛的活該。
原諒過他一次的事情﹐再發生了一次就不可能會再原諒了。
一個滿嘴謊言的人﹐根本就不懂什麼是愛。
對他來說﹐愛只是一個他亂搞的借口。
今天﹐我很認真的看清楚他是怎麼樣的一個人。
骯髒齷齰。看了就噁心。

感謝他

2011-05-13T13:10:00.000-05:00

為什麼人總是要做讓別人心疼的事情﹖自己應該要好好的想想﹐當初是發生了什麼事情。當時的心碎心痛心傷都是假的嗎﹖難道說﹐真的要一錯再錯總錯﹐到底什麼時候才會清醒過來呢﹖不是都好不容易都走出來了﹐又要自己再往那個無底洞裡面跳呢﹖

我朋友那天對我說了些很有道理的話。我們都是一樣的人。從出生後﹐就是被家人捧在手心上疼著長大的孩子。什麼時候肯讓我們受委屈了﹖吃什麼﹐用什麼﹐住的﹐開的﹐家人不是給我們最好的。受了委屈﹐心疼的是家人。受了別人的氣﹐家人比我們還氣。傷心難過的時候﹐家人比我們還痛。可是為什麼﹐我們長大了以後﹐要這麼委屈自己﹖為什麼要作踐自己﹖為什麼要自己忍氣吞聲﹖為什麼要讓自己有苦說不出﹐眼淚只能自己吞﹐傷心只能自己哭﹖

到底為了什麼而分開﹖到底為了什麼這麼不快樂﹖到底為了什麼讓眼淚陪我們入睡﹖

那天看了一段話﹐真的是好有道理。

“If you still have doubts about he loves you or not… that means he doesn’t love you. Because you should always know that.”

過去的一年以來﹐有一件事我一直深信著。我知道自己做了很多的錯的事情。我也知道自己曾經做了很多過份的事情。可是我總是改﹐我總是容忍著﹐我總是想著要怎麼做才能讓他快樂。

所以每次發了脾氣﹐大喊著要分手要分手。冷靜下來以後﹐自己還是明白﹐是很愛很愛他。所以順著自己的心意﹐打了電話﹐道歉﹐然後複合。所以﹐有一件事我總是深信著。只要我肯道歉﹐只要我還愛著他﹐只要我肯說﹐我不要分手。那我們就不會。即使是在分手了一個月以後﹐我還是非常相信的。

可是﹐就算是這樣﹐又怎樣呢﹖因為不想要忍受分手的痛﹐不想要忍受分手的苦﹐不想要忍受分手的哭﹐分手的恨﹐所以就一次又一次的回到他身邊嗎﹖難道自己不能夠面對﹐為什麼當時會想要分手﹖難道他的自私不是真的﹖難道他的冷落不是真的﹖難道他的欺騙不是真的﹖難道他給你的傷害不是真的﹖難道他的不理不睬都是我自己幻想出來的﹖當然不是。一個會在現任女友面前說前任女友的壞話的人是怎樣的一個人﹖他能夠為了你離開別人﹐難道他就不會為了另一個人離開你﹖別傻了。他不會為你改變的。你要等到什麼時候﹖

要感謝他﹐如果他沒做這個事﹐那我就走不出來。我就醒不過來。我就會繼續做著夢。我就會不停的虐待自己。我就會任由著他讓我受委屈﹐讓我忍氣吞聲﹐讓我不敢告訴他心里在想什麼。我就只能在一個謊言里活著。所以我真的感謝他。

心存善念

2011-05-12T13:40:00.000-05:00

人還是要心存善念。昨天晚上做了一個惡夢﹐夢見不知道什麼怪事情。醒來的時候﹐滿身大汗﹐哭著。這兩天老是做著奇怪的夢﹐不是夢見自己死了﹐就是被人追殺什麼的。看來還是不能夠太過狠毒。我想天主還是要我做一個好人。以後不罵人了﹐我要心存善念﹐好好的過日子。

就這樣了。

我最親愛的

2011-05-11T23:08:00.000-05:00

上個禮拜還很喜歡聽這個歌﹐結果還讓我妹從台灣幫我買張 CD回來。人噢﹐就是腦袋不清楚了。

總之今天又再聽一次這個歌﹐結果歌都還沒放到一半我就開始想飆髒話。這首歌還真的不適合現在聽。聽了就想吐。噁心

說到今天﹐發生了很可愛的事情。有個人跟我說﹐其實他從去年就很稀飯稀飯我了。我說﹐那你怎麼沒跟我說啊﹖你要是說了﹐就會省了我一年以來的眼淚跟心碎。我真是嘔死了。話說當時﹐我對他也是很有感覺的說。他竟然還說他很害羞﹐昏。這年頭還有男人害羞的啊﹖那我說﹐你現在怎麼敢跟我說了啊﹖我忘記他說了什麼了。哈哈﹐有夠好笑的。

其實我也不是在找什麼該死的 soul mate 什麼的。就只是 dating 而已。那個什麼什麼剛分手的人不是都來這一套嗎﹖ 要是真的適合﹐才有後話嘛。

今天做了一件很爽的事情。某個骯髒的人竟然還有臉給我發 PM。我是起床的時候看到的﹐ 只看了主旨是什麼什麼 ‘for the record’。再看是那個髒人發來的我整個人就沒意思了。所以就放著咯。

後來我想了一下﹐他這個人還能有什麼話跟我說﹖一來﹐不就是說我是白痴﹐他上次已經罵過我了。二來﹐他不就是說我活該﹐他這個也說過了。三來﹐他就是說我無聊很煩﹐這個每天都在說。四來﹐就是要我別說什麼愛不愛了﹐拜託老娘早就看清楚你了。我還管你愛誰誰去。五來﹐就是 … 算了﹐我也不知道。總之就是我沒空看那些無聊的東西。所以我就跟我們那可愛的小美女說了說﹐她竟然還說我肯定會看的。我這個人就是經不起人嗆我。所以我就問她﹐你想看嗎﹖她說她才不要。那我就連看都沒看就給他刪了。哈哈﹐真的是太爽了。

你不是經常說﹐你以前最愛的就是我們是很相似的兩個人嗎﹖ 是啊﹐我們是很像。分手的時候﹐你說是你比較狠還是我比較狠﹖ 哈﹐我只知道﹐我比較乾淨﹐你比較髒。這狠不狠嘛﹐實在是很難說的。反正你很愛嘛﹐就愛著吧。

噁心

2011-05-11T18:57:00.000-05:00

那個blog不是寫給我自己的。
我走出來了。所以就再也不會回頭了。
一個真正愛你的人﹐是不會一邊說愛你還一邊跟別人亂搞。
一個真正愛你的人﹐是不會在才跟你分手﹐就馬上做出傷害你的事情。
一個真正愛你的人﹐更不會知道你在痛還告訴你是痛的活該。
原諒過他一次的事情﹐再發生了一次就不可能會再原諒了。
一個滿嘴謊言的人﹐根本就不懂什麼是愛。
對他來說﹐愛只是一個他亂搞的借口。
今天﹐我很認真的看清楚他是怎麼樣的一個人。
骯髒齷齰。看了就噁心。

感謝他

2011-05-11T18:46:00.000-05:00

為什麼人總是要做讓別人心疼的事情﹖自己應該要好好的想想﹐當初是發生了什麼事情。當時的心碎心痛心傷都是假的嗎﹖難道說﹐真的要一錯再錯總錯﹐到底什麼時候才會清醒過來呢﹖不是都好不容易都走出來了﹐又要自己再往那個無底洞裡面跳呢 ﹖

我朋友那天對我說了些很有道理的話。我們都是一樣的人。從出生後﹐ 就是被家人捧在手心上疼著長大的孩子。什麼時候肯讓我們受委屈了﹖吃什麼﹐用什麼﹐住的﹐開的﹐家人不是給我們最好的。受了委屈﹐心疼的是家人。受了別人的氣﹐家人比我們還氣。傷心難過的時候﹐家人比我們還痛。可是為什麼﹐我們長大了以後﹐要這麼委屈自己﹖為什麼要作踐自己﹖為什麼要自己忍氣吞聲﹖為什麼要讓自己有苦說不出﹐眼淚只能自己吞﹐傷心只能自己哭﹖
到底為了什麼而分開﹖到底為了什麼這麼不快樂﹖到底為了什麼讓眼淚陪我們入睡﹖

過去的一年以來﹐有一件事我一直深信著。我知道自己做了很多的錯的事情。我也知道自己曾經做了很多過份的事情。可是我總是改﹐我總是容忍著﹐我總是想著要怎麼做才能讓他快樂。

所以每次發了脾氣﹐ 大喊著要分手要分手。冷靜下來以後﹐自己還是明白﹐是很愛很愛他。所以順著自己的心意﹐打了電話﹐道歉﹐ 然後複合。所以﹐有一件事我總是深信著。只要我肯道歉﹐只要我還愛著他﹐只要我肯說﹐我不要分手。那我們就不會。即使是在分手了一個月以後﹐我還是非常相信的。

可是﹐就算是這樣﹐又怎樣呢﹖因為不想要忍受分手的痛﹐不想要忍受分手的苦﹐不想要忍受分手的哭﹐分手的恨﹐所以就一次又一次的回到他身邊嗎﹖難道自己不能夠面對﹐為什麼當時會想要分手﹖難道他的自私不是真的﹖難道他的冷落不是真的﹖難道他的欺騙不是真的﹖難道他給你的傷害不是真的﹖難道他的不理不睬都是我自己幻想出來的 ﹖當然不是。一個會在現任女友面前說前任女友的壞話的人是怎樣的一個人﹖他能夠為了你離開別人﹐難道他就不會為了另一個人離開你﹖別傻了。他不會為你改變的。你要等到什麼時候﹖

要感謝他﹐如果他沒做這個事﹐那我就走不出來。我就醒不過來。我就會繼續做著夢。我就會不停的虐待自己。我就會任由著他讓我受委屈﹐讓我忍氣吞聲﹐讓我不敢告訴他心里在想什麼。我就只能在一個謊言里活著。所以我真的感謝他。

someone must forgot about something. isn't the reason you loved me was because how much you think we are alike? you are right, we are alike.

unread. checked. deleted.

There is an internet God.

2011-05-11T01:49:00.003-05:00

I honestly think that there is an internet god that's trying to mess with me.

Like today, I was out the rest of the afternoon, then I watched some TV downstairs. So I pretty much wasn't online for like good ... 6~7 hours. Then when I get back online, and as soon as I click on the maplestory window, guess what's the first thing that show up? Him logging on.

It's like REALLY? ARE YOU SRS? Which part of I don't want to see him, think about him, talk about him, know him, avoid him does the internet god not understand? God that just really made me mad.

So because of that, I started on my evil plan of getting him off my family. Which actually did not take me long at all. I found myself a new Sr. and then quickly found myself a new Sr. on bishop. The whole thing didn't take more than 20 mins. I was so proud of myself. Who would want the nasty couple under my iL? What if I catch something? Totally nasty stuff.

Another thing about the Internet God, I was totally going to post my last two blog spot on the forum. But as soon as I finish typing them, my internet went out. I think that's the internet God telling me that I shouldn't be posting stuff like that. Because it is kind of mean I guess.

O well. I'm too nice. I will just post them here on my blog.

公主命

2011-05-10T14:56:00.001-05:00

哈哈﹐今天打了個電話跟美女好友訴苦﹐結果結結實實的被她罵了一頓。

之前她說什麼我都聽不進去﹐可是大哭一場以後﹐她說的話還真的超級有道理的。

基本上她的意思就是﹐

‘玲玲啊﹐你跟我是同一種人。就是人說的千金小姐﹐公主命。這輩子是給家人疼出來﹐給朋友寵出來﹐給男友捧上心頭上的。向來只有我們給人氣受﹐什麼時候落到忍氣吞聲委屈自己了﹖難怪你跟他在一起﹐怎樣都不快樂。還要努力的縮小自己﹐怕他自尊心受傷。

你自己想想﹐你吃好的﹐穿好的﹐用好的﹐開好的﹐穿好的。一個好好的千金小姐干嘛還去倒貼一個不肯自己工作﹐不肯自己努力﹐每天只會伸手拿錢的男人﹖你想想﹐以後要是真的在一起了﹐還不是你養他﹖他能吃苦嗎﹖他能照顧你嗎﹖

門不當﹐戶不對的﹐在一起了以後會幸福嗎﹖你別傻了。你之前哪個男友不是你哼一聲就趕緊問你哪裡不舒服。做什麼下賤自己去委屈當別人的出氣袋﹖他那種人只適合跟他那同一等級的人在一起。我們在上面空氣新鮮的很﹐做什麼下去呼吸那些污染的空氣﹖

你們兩個分手了就只證明了一件事﹐那就是你本來就不應該跟他一起。你本來就應該跟對你好的人﹐條件好的人在一起。他那種人還不是滿腦子齷齰骯髒的事情。除了那些他還能做什麼﹖什麼也不能做。

我說你啊。是不是腦子撞壞了﹐眼睛瞎了﹐神智不清醒了﹖我看你小時候一定被你媽抱著掉了撞到頭了。才會這麼笨。當初聽你說跟他在一起我就想掐死你﹐問你是不是昏頭了。還為了他哭什麼﹖哭你個頭啊。’

哈哈﹐她還說了超級多罵人的話﹐聽了以後真是太爽了。

從前從前

2011-05-10T14:55:00.001-05:00

從前從前有一個女孩﹐過著一個人平靜的生活。有一天﹐女孩的朋友告訴女孩﹐她想介紹她的男友給她認識。朋友說﹐他們最近經常發生爭執﹐她想女孩多認識認識男孩。

所以女孩認識了男孩。男孩很健談﹐沒多久女孩跟男孩就成了很好的朋友。女孩的朋友時常告訴女孩他們之間的爭執﹐女孩不喜歡夾在兩個朋友之間﹐所以只能努力的安慰女孩的朋友。

然後有一天﹐男孩突然告訴女孩﹐‘我喜歡上你了’ 。女孩很苦惱﹐ 因為女孩的朋友還是很愛男孩。女孩不懂﹐為什麼男孩會喜歡上她。女孩告訴男孩﹐身為他女友的朋友﹐她不能這麼對她的朋友。所以女孩開始對男孩保持著距離。可是她不敢告訴自己的朋友﹐男孩對她說了什麼。他們兩個人之間的爭執越來越多﹐最後兩個人還是分手了。

男孩開始對女孩展開追求。短信﹐電話﹐游戲﹐男孩每天所有的時間都跟女孩在一起。女孩開始習慣了男孩的存在。女孩的朋友因為太難過而離開了女孩。女孩開始對男孩動心。可是女孩還是覺得對女孩的朋友愧疚。女孩很苦惱﹐不知道應該怎麼辦。因為兩個人之間年齡的差距﹐地點的差距﹐而且女孩覺得男孩對他的女友很殘忍。女孩很怕有一天﹐男孩也會那樣對待女孩。

即使如此女孩還是愛上了男孩。男孩對女孩說﹐他很愛很愛她。他不在乎年齡的差距﹐或是兩個人之間的距離。男孩告訴女孩﹐他從來沒有那麼愛過一個人。女孩相信了他。

女孩對男孩說﹐‘你什麼時候要問我要不要當你的女朋友啊﹖’ 男孩對女孩說﹐ ‘你可以當我的女朋友嗎﹖’ 女孩露出狡猾的笑容﹐‘讓我想一想’ 男孩大叫‘哇!! ’ 然後他們開始正式交往。

兩個人在一起的日子很開心﹐男孩每天從早到晚都跟女孩短信聊天。然後等女孩下班兩個人在電話上聊天聊到半夜。男孩開始說服女孩﹐要女孩飛去見她。

女孩很不安﹐一來她從來沒見過在網路上認識的朋友﹐二來她對自己很沒信心。她很怕男孩見了她以後會跟她分手。為了這個﹐她時常跟男孩爭吵﹐告訴男孩她不適合他。要他別跟她在一起了﹐要他去找跟自己更適合的人。

男孩告訴女孩﹐他不在乎那些事情。他告訴女孩﹐他從來沒有那麼愛過一個人。每次女孩跟他吵架﹐他整個人都崩潰了。他不停的打著女孩的手機﹐要女孩別離開他。男孩告訴女孩﹐跟她在一起越久﹐他就越愛她。他越愛她﹐他就越想跟她在一起。

兩個人的日子﹐就在甜蜜跟爭吵中度過。幾個月以後﹐女孩發覺男孩變了。男孩變的很忙﹐有的時候一天說不上幾句話。女孩變的很不安﹐變的很害怕。女孩問著男孩﹐他是不是不想跟她在一起了。男孩說不上為什麼自己的態度變了。男孩自己也不知道為什麼會改變態度。

女孩生日的那天﹐男孩整天都跟家人在一起沒有跟女孩聯絡。午夜的時候﹐男孩偷遛出來給女孩打電話。告訴她生日快樂。女孩耍脾氣﹐告訴男孩要他回去他家人那裡。

之後男孩變的越來越對女孩不耐煩﹐女孩做什麼說什麼他都覺得煩。女孩越來越不安﹐越來越難過。她質問男孩﹐他是不是不想跟她在一起了。男孩說他不知道﹐他需要時間想一想。兩個人之間的距離讓他開始覺得無法忍受。他想要真正的跟女孩在一起。他想要跟女孩在一起﹐可是他不知道該如何去適應距離的考驗。女孩覺得自己的心都碎了。女孩以為男孩知道長距離的戀愛是很辛苦的。雖然如此﹐男孩還是告訴女孩﹐他想要跟她在一起。只要她答應她會去見他。女孩根本沒辦法離開男孩﹐她愛他愛的太深了。女孩答應了男孩。

雖然如此﹐男孩的態度還是沒有好轉。女孩覺得男孩根本不想跟她在一起。所以她還是下了一個決定。有一天﹐男孩告訴女孩他要去游泳。女孩趁他游泳的時候﹐發了一個短信給男孩。她騙男孩﹐她不想跟男孩在一起了。她認識了別的男孩。她要跟他分手。

男孩游泳回來﹐看到短信告訴女孩要她再也不要跟他聯絡。女孩心都碎了。

女孩以為﹐這樣她就可以不再愛男孩了。可是女孩錯了。她好愛好愛好愛男孩。所以兩個禮拜後﹐女孩告訴男孩﹐她騙了他。她沒有認識別的人。她還是很愛他。男孩很生氣﹐男孩根本無法理解女孩為什麼會這麼做。一開始﹐男孩根本不想跟女孩說話。女孩堅持著﹐告訴他自己很愛他。然後男孩讓步了。男孩告訴女孩﹐他需要時間想一想。

在兩個人分開的時間﹐男孩之間的女友﹐女孩的朋友回到了兩個人的生活。女孩沒有多想﹐她還是跟平常一樣的跟朋友聊天。男孩告訴女孩﹐要她別跟朋友說他們兩個人在一起。他怕女孩的朋友會受到傷害。女孩也不想傷害自己的朋友﹐所以她答應了。可是男孩遲遲不肯給女孩一個答復。只說﹐他還需要時間思考兩個人的關係。

同時﹐女孩發覺男孩跟女孩的朋友開始走的很近。女孩還是沒有多想。女孩相信著男孩。然後時間又過了幾個禮拜﹐女孩開始覺得不安。女孩告訴男孩﹐如果他還是無法決定﹐那她懂了。她會離開男孩。男孩追上女孩﹐告訴她他們需要聊一聊。

男孩告訴女孩﹐他想要跟她在一起。他對自己之前的態度很抱歉﹐他保證以後不會再那樣對女孩了。女孩也告訴男孩﹐她很對不起自己騙了他。兩個人聊了一整夜﹐女孩很開心﹐女孩以為他們可以回到以前那樣。

然後﹐男孩告訴女孩一件事情。男孩不希望女孩從朋友那邊知道﹐所以他告訴女孩。在他們分手的期間﹐他跟前女友﹐也是女孩的朋友發生了關係。女孩的朋友想跟他回到之前的關係。一瞬間﹐女孩從天堂掉到了地獄。男孩告訴女孩﹐他以為他們之間結束了。所以他才跟前女友在一起。女孩心都碎了。女孩根本沒辦法相信男孩會這樣﹐女孩更不敢相信女孩的朋友沒有告訴她。女孩崩潰了。

女孩哭了一個晚上。女孩想了又想。女孩思考了很久。女孩告訴男孩﹐他必須跟前女友做過切結。她可以接受這個事情﹐可是他必須跟前女友做一個了斷。男孩答應了。

女孩的朋友無法理解女孩﹐女孩的朋友告訴女孩﹐她很抱歉女孩沒有告訴自己事實。然後女孩的朋友離開了。

女孩跟男孩又回到了過去的生活。

女孩跟男孩還是時常爭吵﹐可是女孩不停的做著妥協。男孩不喜歡女孩總是跟別的男孩太過親密。所以女孩開始疏遠自己的朋友。女孩不喜歡男孩跟別的女孩太過曖昧﹐所以男孩開始跟別的女孩保持距離。每次兩個人有爭執﹐女孩總是動不動就發脾氣要分手。男孩從剛開始的挽留到後來就讓女孩發脾氣。每次女孩冷靜下來以後﹐就打電話跟男孩道歉﹐然後兩個又回到普通的日子。

男孩沒有發現﹐女孩的心一直都有著創傷。為了男孩跟前女友的事。一點點小事都會讓女孩崩潰。也因為如此女孩對兩個人的感情越來越害怕。

然後女孩終於跟男孩見面了。她覺得她好愛好愛這個男孩。兩個人在一起的時候就好像他們是屬於彼此的。她好想永遠永遠跟男孩在一起。當她回到自己的家裡時﹐她哭了一整夜。她好想念好想念男孩。男孩安慰她﹐他們會在一起的。男孩也很難過。

女孩之後出國一個月。在這之間男孩跟女孩的關係有了更深的認識。雖然兩個人沒辦法像往常一樣隨時都能聯絡﹐可是他們卻給了對方更深的承諾。兩個人計劃著組成一個自己的家庭。結婚﹐跟別的未來的計劃。她幾乎要相信﹐自己這一輩子就是會跟男孩在一起了。

一個月後﹐女孩又去見男孩。女孩更堅信﹐兩個人會永遠在一起。女孩根本無法想象兩個人分開的假設。可是當女孩離開男孩回到自己的地方的時候﹐女孩又崩潰了。女孩根本沒辦法不跟男孩在一起。每天每天女孩都在想著要怎麼跟男孩在一起。每天女孩都無法理解為什麼男孩不更努力讓兩個人能夠真正在一起。

所以兩個人的爭持的越來越多﹐女孩動不動就要分手﹐然後跟男孩複合。兩個人的感情就這樣上上下下。

女孩又再見了男孩一次。每次當兩個人在一起的時候﹐她深信著兩個人的感情。可是當分別的時候來臨時﹐女孩又無法不懷疑兩個人在一起的可能性。年齡的差別﹐生活的不同﹐空間的距離﹐還有女孩發覺自己越來越不相信男孩。

所以女孩終於在一次爭執中﹐跟男孩協議分手。兩個人覺得也許未來的可能性太小了。再繼續這樣下去只會徒增兩個人的痛苦。女孩心都碎了。男孩告訴女孩﹐他還是很愛很愛她。可是他們還是決定分手。

又過了兩個禮拜﹐女孩有一天問男孩﹐他後悔不後悔分手的決定。男孩告訴女孩﹐他不知道。他還是想跟女孩在一起。可是他真的不知道應該要怎麼辦。男孩告訴女孩﹐他真的曾經很想要跟她結婚。他們在游戲上為了在現實中訂婚而訂婚。可是他也覺得﹐兩個人的決定也是對的。

所以兩個人又在一起了﹐為了重新在一起而在一起。雖然兩個人不是真正的在一起﹐可是女孩卻覺得兩個人還是在一起的感覺。他們還是愛著對方﹐還是想著對方。女孩告訴男孩﹐‘你知道你要再問我要不要當你女朋友一次吧﹖’ 男孩說﹐‘我才不要﹐是你要分手的。’ 可是女孩知道﹐男孩會問她的。女孩一直等著。

但是﹐男孩對自己生活的無力還是影響了他們之間的關係。女孩告訴男孩﹐他傷她傷的好痛。男孩根本不在乎。男孩告訴女孩﹐你怎麼對我﹐我就怎麼對你。所以女孩告訴男孩﹐我們還是結束吧。

I'm pissed.

2007-12-03T02:12:00.001-05:00

You know, I always tried to be there for you when you needed me. I sat there and listen to your problem, listen to you complain for hours and tried my best to help you with your problem. I did all that and almost never ask for anything in return.

Not like you would ever listen to me when I needed someone to talk. Not like you ever has the time to do so, anyway. Yeah, I know, you are busy. You are busy with real life problems, busy with your girlfriend, and other girls. Okay, FINE, I get it.

But did you have to say Fuck and all annoyed when I only asked to get someone for me? Like all you have to do is open your mouth and say something to him on ts. You didn't have to go anywhere, type anything, and it only takes about 5 words. Like 15 sec the most out of your precious time. 15 secs and you wouldn't even give it to me.

Now I see, what kind of friend you are. I guess I always knew, I always knew you are like this.

Gawd, who cares. Why would I even bother with people from an online game? I must be out of my mind.

....... Grrr.. I'm pissed.

Regret

2007-11-26T04:06:00.001-05:00

I always hear people said, "I regret ended things, and I want you back." Not to me necessary, but like people says it quit often.

I almost never felt like that. Or, I think I almost never allow myself to think that. Part of the reason is because I hardly ever breaks up with people. And the few times I did, I almost always end up wishing I didn't do it. Lol. (that doesn't make sense)

Okay, maybe I need to explain more. The only times that I do break up with people, it's never my idea to do it. Take my first boyfriend for an example, I broke up with him because my best friends said that I should do it. There were many reasons behind it, but like it seemed like a good decision at the time. I end up regreting it for a really long time. But it wasn't my idea...

I have alot of friends that comes to me for relationship advice. Most of the time, I think of myself as a good advicer... I know most of the logic, somewhat understand how most of people feel. But none of my advices ever works on me.

I think that I put too much thought into everything I do. So I end up either doing something really stupid or doing nothing. Either way, it's never really good.

Lol.. I dunno why am I talking abut this. I'm a bit upset about this conversation I had ealier with my friends. I don't even know why am I upset, because I was the one that ended things. This time, it was my idea. Even though, I think it was a bit too late.

Oh well... nothing I can do now.

有意思

2007-11-11T03:54:00.001-05:00

呵呵，在看<咖啡王子一号店>。结果就一直在傻笑，看到很多有趣的地方的时候。

可能是想起了自己以前小的时候，跟人家网恋好像也是这个样子。天天打电话，说到会一直自己一个人偷偷的笑。不然就是拿着电话不能止的笑着。呵呵。。

以前的日子真有意思，可惜一去不回了。

心烦意乱

2007-11-09T23:48:00.001-05:00

测试了一下，发觉还真的可以打中文啊。不错的发现。。。。

突然发觉自己心烦意乱的时候，还是打中打比较好。最近烦人的事情似乎比较多啊。。。。所以只好放弃英打了。反正也没人在看，所以也没差别。写给自己看的。

刚刚 Kei 跟我说，不觉得我在闹情绪，只是觉得我比较不幸而已。需要人倾听的时候，都没有人愿意听。听他这么一说，突然也觉得傻掉了。他这么说似乎也很对。

到底是不是在闹脾气，其实我也不知道。就是比较傲了一点，就是不愿意走回头路而已。现在也只能走一步算一步了。

-____-

2007-11-07T01:56:00.001-05:00

Just realized.. that title doesn't show up in my blog... -____- .. I always have a hard time finding a "title" for my blog. Come to think of it, it's always been hard for me to find a title for anything that I write... Anyway..

Kinda of an emo day for me on ms. I hate to call myself emo, but I know that sometimes I'm emo. Just sometimes.

This whole guild things is really stressing me out. And I hate stress myself over ms, cuz it's so pointless. I dont know why people, well..kay, is like so

Playing

2007-10-03T15:17:00.001-05:00

What's your reason for playing maple story? A friend of mine asked me that yesterday, and I'm not quit sure how do I answer that question.

I started to think, how did I start to play in the first place? And when did I start playing full time like now? I think it's the people, not the game itself.

It's like, how I used to love to go on PoPv all the time, anytime I can find. It's the people, and how I wanted to prove that I can be somebody. Yeah, it's kinda sad to think like that.

What exactly do most of people get out of playing maple story? Sometimes I wonder how do people grind their way up to lv 100, lv 120, or lv 180? I, myself found it boring somewhere around lv 120. Even though I kept grinding all the way to lv 135, right now being high lvl seems so pointless. I guess a lot of people likes to be high lvl, or be #1.

Afraid

2007-10-01T23:51:00.000-05:00

Today marks the first day that I have my freedom back. And I don't know what to do with it. I find it a bit sad, because I wanted it so bad like 24 hrs ago. Now, I hoped I didn't have it so fast.

I was going downstairs making myself some dinner eariler today. The house seem so empty outside my room. 24 hours ago, it wasn't like this. The light from the kitchen would be on, or at least the living room. Someone probably would be taking shower, since it was like 9:30pm. And I would have had dinner 2 hrs before that. As I walked downstairs turning all the lights on, I wanted to break down and cry. It's a fear of being alone, that's making me breath uneasy. The air in my room, in the house seem so dim. It's like I can almost hear them calling my name. For some time, I hated that. It's always something. Time for dinner; time for class; can we go out somewhere; do you want to watch that dvd; I gotta say, they filled my life. And now I just wanted to cry. I miss having someone to talk to, someone telling me to do something, or take care of me. I don't know how to be alone anymore. And I hate this. I hate being so depends on other people. 5 months ago, i was fine.

Back Again.

2007-09-26T23:54:00.000-05:00

Okay, I think I'm gonna start trying to keep a blog again. =) Lol.. Working full time can really get to you. I just sorta lost track of everything I used to love to do. But since I'm no longer employeed, I think I will pick up on this blogging thing again.

I can't tell, that if I'm afraid of being alone or not. It was really okay for me at first when I moved in the house back in Jan. I was used to being alone, and I actually enjoyed it very much. But in the past 5 months, I'm so used to have someone around me in the house. The idea of them leaving in like 5 days is really start to scare me a lot.

Take last night for an example, just before I fall asleep I have this really unbearable feeling in my heart. It's like my heart is missing something, and then the idea of being alone made me wanted to cry. Or just couple of mins ago, I was washing my face. Looking at myself in the mirror, I wanted to cry. I am afraid of walking back into the house, and realize that I'm alone again. I dont have anyone to talk to, or anyone that can help me with everything.

I'm afraid of change. I was okay, just fine, by myself in the house. And then them moved in, now I have to get use to being alone again. I hate that. Just thinking about it, makes me want to cry. I think, I'm stilll not all grow up yet. I wish and hope that I will be strong enough to face next Monday.

Annoyed

2007-05-04T14:30:00.001-05:00

I think if I don't get this thing off my mind, it's gonna turn into something ugly. I rather not to have that happen, so I just gonna spit it all out.
*it's gonna be long, cuz i'm bored out of my mind at work* *evil laughs*
Personally, I don't know who the "people" are. Since I hardly ever talk to a lot of people anymore. But I guess if you are agreeing to whatever she's saying, then I really have like no idea where are you getting it from.
*am I confusing u yet o.o*
Things started when the other day, certain girl annoyed me by making a comment to me. Instead of saying something to her face (which is what I should have done, but i got lazy) I just ran my mouth a little in the guild to chris. Then totally forgot about the whole thing like 20 mins later.
Little did I know, someone in the guild took a ss of the whole conversation that I had with Chris and showed it to that girl. (ohhhhhh ~~~)(Oh yes, we actually still have enough people in the guild to cause drama) Who did it? I do not know. Am I going to find out? Probably not. Let's just say, we have a pretty good idea on who did it.
*Side Note*I srsly think that's like the most shitty thing a person can do. I know alot of people ss their converstions with others and keep it for whatever reason that they get. But personally, I find the whole idea stupid. If a person trust u enough to tell you something, and you gonna ss it to.....? use it against them later on? I understand that if u ss something a hacker said then it's understandable, but private conversation? That's just like LOW. That's just what I think. *End of Side Note*
So the next day, the girl confronted me (or that's what I thought she was doing at first). Which I admit, it was my fault. I got annoyed and ran my mouth a little. She has the right to be piss at me, since I guess some of the things I said probably wasn't true. I didnt think it was that big of deal, and Chris didn't think too much into it either. (In fact, he thought the whole thing was just funny) The conversation wasn't intend for anyone but Chris, and whoever was online in the guild at the time. But yea, it end up somewhere else anyway. So I was just sitting there thinking, "okay..i probably deserve this. blahhhh" But things got kinda ugly after that.
*yea..there is more lmao*
Then she went on about how I had "changed" lately, and a lot of "people" agrees with her. (People who????) According to her, everytime there is something not going my way, I would just freak out or go emo. (so that's the whole emo thing came from ..hmm) How I build a "wall" around me, and don't get close to people. How I started to turning into Emy, and whenever someone leaves my guild I would freak out... (HUH? srsly, that's the first thing I thought whenever she said that) And people are starting to wondering where do I get so much mesos to scroll things. (which I assume she's hinting that ..I ...?) (and again, there is that People)
*now is my part... u still reading? lmao*
I totally don't get where did that freaking out and going emo comment came from. I like never "feak out" or not that I ever can recall. What exactly is like freaking out anyway? I bet she's talking about all these other thread I made on the fourm. Okay, I didn't exactly "freak out", I pissed and whiny a little, fine. And srsly, how am I an emo person? I had my ups and downs, but most of the time I'm like just normal. Sureeee, I went emo couple of times since we met. I was tired, I was annoyed, and I was depressed a little. I'm not emo all the time, especially not lately.
*omg i'm getting tired -____-*
Like I told most of people, I work like full time now. That means I get up 5:30 in the morning and go to work from 7-3 and I usually stay there til 3:30 or so. I like my sleep, as matter of face, I LOVE my sleep. Which is why I'm usually in bed like around 9:30, or 10:00. Even when I was on ms, I'm like half asleep most of the time. Another thing is, most of you alredy know, my friend Chris uses my account to fm for me for sometime now. He doesn't know like 90% of the people on my bl. Which is why sometimes "I" don't say hi or answers to my bl. Because it's not ME on it. I dont ususally ignore people unless i'm like crazly busy at the moment. You guys should know that.
*omg my boss keeps walking by -______-*
brb again

Job

2007-03-15T21:04:00.001-05:00

So, after being lazy for 3 months, I finally got a real job. I work as a front desk in "XXX XXX XXX'. (I edited out the name just in case) Today was my first day on the job, and I had to be there by 5:45 AM. Yes.. it's 5:45 AM. I had to help withe the Breakfast Room, which not that I don't like to do it, but it's not something I had in mind. Since, I noticed all the other front desk person don't work there.

On my first day, I was expecting training the programs and stuff. But nobody ever taught me much expect have me standing there for like 6 hrs watching them. I felt kinda bad not answering the phone, when it's ringing off hook. It's just that I don't know what to do. It's not like I can get on the system and check the reservation and stuff.

I got to go to work at 5:45 am again tomorrow, so I better go to bed. I'm thinking, if this is want they want me to do most of the time. I mean the breakfast room, I might quit the job. If I want to work with food, I would have apply for a reastuarant. I mean, I basically worked restaruant my whole life. That's one job that I want to run away from the most. And then they stuck me in there. I applied for Front Desk Clerk, not the breakfast room, srsy. Oh, yea they want me to get a food handler's permit. Srsy!!?? But we will see, once I'm familiar with the system and stuff. I wanna see how my schedule would be like, cuz I really am not a 5:45 am kinda of person.

Oh yea, this guy works there has a crush on me -____-.. and I only just met him 2 hrs ago. That's kinda weird =\

Lame

2007-03-10T03:11:00.000-05:00

YOU would think, that I'm totally over that boy now. After so long, after so much, I would be over the guy. It's rather sad, that I still have a little bit of feeling left.

It's kinda weird to hear someone talk about your ex and his new gf. It's like, " i don't want to know he got a new gf" "i don't care what do they do" "just get it out of my life plz" type of things. Like I said, it's sad that I still feel a ache in my heart when I hear about stuff like this.

Maybe I shouldn't talk to him in the first place. I never make friends with my ex, it's like impossible for me to do.

Oh yea, I ran into another ex bf of mine. It's so funny, I'm actually totally over that guy. It's been like sooo long since I talk him. And the first thing he said is, "omg I FINALLY run into you", "how have u been!!?? I miss u soo much". I'm actually quit surprised that he still likes me. I mean, he and I aren't like super close when we were "together". Plus, that I hardly ever see him anyway. How do you like someone that you hardly ever see or talk to for that matter?

I felt sick today. Like I got up, took a shower then go right bak into bed. Then I stayed in bed pretty much the rest of the day.

I hate being sick -___-

So Wow..

2007-03-08T23:07:00.000-05:00

Remember what I said last nite about Davey and I arent talking? Guess what!! HE just DID. I have a feeling someone might be reading this blog.... Lmao just kidding.

So I log on ms today, cuz I told some people I will go on to talk to him. Actually, I told court that. Then loon told me that he kicked chris from the guild. Since he "Quit". I was like SHOCKED and upsetted by this news. I just feel like I'm don't even feel belong in the guild. Then they all went on about how it's better for the guild, it's the right thing to do, etc etc etc. I just realized that I'm not build for this thing. I was never a good leader, and never really did anything for it. I'm not even online as much as I used to be anymore.

I find it so sad that I actually used to really care about those stuff. Like, being #1, higher lvl, or keep candy alive to be the "oldest" guild in bellocan. Now I see it being stupid, pointless, and not important at all. At least, right at this moment that how I feel. I'm not gonna judge people on how they feel about it, cuz I used hated when people do that. Just cuz they don't care, doesn't mean that people who cares are idiots. I just think that it's not important to me anymore.

Still Old

2007-03-08T01:57:00.000-05:00

I found this old CD that I used to LOVE. So I end up listening to it like the rest of the day. Sometimes certain song or melody bring back certain old memory. It's like you can almost go back to that certain time, feel the same way you felt at the time. Most of the time, it's always some sad memeoies though...

I was thinking about Davey today. Cuz, since I "quit" ms, all the sudden I got a lot of free time at hand. I was looking through my msn and I saw him on. He's always on anyway. I'm like 99.9999% sure that he sees me on msn too. Which is like totally weird, cuz we just don't talk to each other anymore. I assume that we "broke up" since we havn't speak to each other since back in Nov. But, do people do that? Like, do people break up with each other by simply disappear from each other's life?.... Well, I guess you can. Since that's what we did. LOL...

To think, I'm actually talking to Luan abut all these.. Kinda weird too.

Old

2007-03-07T02:30:00.000-05:00

I must be getting old..I think. Sometimes when I get really tired of annoyed, I like to open my blog page and listen to the background music doing nothing. Like I said, I must be getting old.

I feel like quitting ms. Somehow, all the fighting and bitching between people really got to me at the end. Only if I had stayed in broa, maybe none of these would happen. I will still be that silly girl that loves ms so much. But yet, I can't really rememeber why I left Broa now. Maybe I was already tired of MS back then.

Or maybe I just need a cooldown time from MS. Who knows, I'm getting old...

Spring Break Plan

2007-03-06T00:15:00.000-05:00

I like spring breaks. cuz Derek, Brandon, Beth and I usually do something together. Or at least we planned on doing so. But I guess I totally messed that up.

I wanted to go down to FL with them. I think it's something that reminds me of being a student, or at least the life that I should be having. Students are suppose to have spring breaks, and go crazy with their friends. Spend way too much money, doing things they done it a thousand times before. That's what Spring Break is suppose to be about. Or, at least that's what I thought it was.

We always make plans in life. But never really go through with it. Or, at least I usually don't. See, I was planning on staying in Taiwan and be the girl I was for the rest of my life. That plan got changed when I moved to American. Then I made plan to go to school, finish college, and get a good job etc etc etc. That got changed too. I made plans with my friends for the spring breaks, and I was told that I couldn't go. I made plans to get a job within 2 weeks, but I'm still unemploye sitting at home waste my life.

I hate plans. They give too much hope and wishes. Then always end up breaking them.

I hate hopes.

Sleepless

2007-02-26T01:43:00.000-05:00

I don't even remember how it started, but it's getting harder and harder for me to fall asleep. I'm not sure I stay up late because I want to stay up late. Or is it because I hate turning and tossing. So instead of that, I just stay up really really late and fall asleep fast once I got into the bed. I don't know, but I really hate the feeling of can't fall asleep.

I went back to my parent's place over the weekend. And I can't sleep in that place. I think it's because I been living alone for a while. And where I live now, it's like super quit at night. There is hardly any nosie expect maybe when it's raining. But at my parent's place, there is people from downstairs, people from next door, and my own family who just wouldn't go to sleep.

Maybe that's why I dislike going back to my parent's place.

My ID...

2007-02-24T20:41:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you ever tried this before. Enter like ur most use online name to search engine and see what comes out. Like google, yahoo, or baidu search engines. I can't remember who told me about searching my own name. But like couple of years back, when I was really involove in online forums. I can actually come out with a lot of pretty interesting sites that has my id.

"lingteresa" is like the my only online name ever. I can't even remeber how did I come up with it, but now I think about it. It's actually kinda cute. Ling is the last word of my chinese name. Teresa is my english name. Ling and Teresa is like the chinese and english me. Most of my online and chinese friends calls me lingling. All of my irl friends call me Teresa. Now days I got couple of more online names like faye....etc etc.

I think my sister is like the smart one in the family. She hardly ever use her real name online. She's always changing her online log in names too. Sometimes it's hard for me to keep up with her. Like she's got 2 yahoo login names, 2 msn login names which she no longer uses, there is 2 myspace accounts, and like dozen other names.

I'm not really sure why do I keep use the same login names. I remember I would register for an online forum and people would come up to me asking if I'm the same lingteresa from other fourms. I think I have yet find a place where lingteresa is actually taken by someone else other than me. So like if you seen lingteresa anywhere online, 99.999999% it's going to be me.

This reminds me... I forgot my password for my msn account ........

Oh yea..I remember something else. My yahoo account is like the only account I didn't use lingteresa.

Confidence

2007-02-24T11:10:00.000-05:00

I came back to my parent's house for the weekend since I moved out. As I was sitting on the living room sofa, I noticed this old clip of local newspaper on the wall. It was an article of the local high school academic team students competing in the some private college in the state. There is like a huge picture that took up half of the page. At corner of the picture, there was me. I was a freshman at the time.

I guess it really was a huge deal back then. It was our 2nd year in the US, and my English was horrible. I remember I couldn't read like almost half of the test questions on that test. But I also remember out of all the students competing. I was in the upper 50%, and this sophomore girl that went with us was in the lower 50%. I remember this because ever since that she basically hated me for the rest of her high school year. Even after she had gone out to the college.

Something I remember from that trip was this guy from our school. He was a senior, I think. And according to everyone else, he was the smartest guy in the whole school. I guess they were right. I remember after taking the test, we all waited in this little classroom waiting for the result. The way they did it, is they gives away to the top 5 students for each category. Like 5 for algebra, geometry, physics, calculus...etc etc. When it was time to announce the top 5 students from his category, he wasn't nervous at all. They started off announcing 5th, 4th, 3th, 2nd ..and then just right before they name the 1st place. He stood up from the seat and went straight up to the front. As if they already name him the 1st place. And it turn out, he did win the 1st place. In all the category he competed that day.

I wasn't in the top 5 of any of the tests I took that year. I wasn't expect to win any I suppose. But I remember I had a fun time during the bus trip and walking around in that college. And I remember that smart guy being so confidence in himself. I think it's something that I will never have no matter what. In some way, I think I was a little jealous of him.

Got Bored

2007-02-23T14:32:00.000-05:00

Today instead of playing ms like what I normally do. I added few things to my blog. Like the background midi "falling stars". It's actually from a film that I used to love as a little girl. If you got time, you really should find the movie and watch. I'm pretty sure I seen it in wal-mart or something. The music from that film is very very pretty.

Then there is that pet thing. I actually sat here and play one of the minigame til like lv 10. Which was totally wasted of time -____- I don't know why did I get that pet thing. I guess just adding something cute for the blog. It just seemed too empty sometimes.

Oh, something about grey's last nite. I thought last week's ep was pretty good. I mean I actually sat in front of the tv and cried my eyes out. I guess sometimes when u expect so much out of it, it just normally fail you. Anyway, at least I thought this week's grey's was rather boring. I'm glad meredith didn't die though. Thank God. *but her mom did* Not that I care much about her anyway.

Interview today

2007-02-22T23:45:00.000-05:00

This always happen to me whenever I have something important to do the next day. The last time I had an interview I stayed up til like almost 5 in the morning. Last nite, I didn't go to bed til like 3:30. I was watching some old taiwaness drama -______-

I wasn't prepared like always. But I was actually early getting there. Even though it took me like 30 mins tried to decide what to wear. Supposely, according to my parent *thank god they weren't here today* I was to dress some skirt that's "long". So I putted on like couple of the skirts that my mom brought me in the last couple of months. Srsy, I looked like an old nun -__-. And I wasn't kidding either. So I finally decided on a shorter skirt and some white t-shirt. I didn't think the skirt was too short, I even put my hair up and did my make-up. God knows how I dislike putting on make-ups. *which remind me, I still got make-up on.....*

Being as smart as I am. I brought a book with me to interview for some werid reason, which turn to be a very very very smart decision. I end up got there 30 mins earlier than the time. I sat in the car read for 15 mins, then I went in there. The nice lady in the lobby told me the manager was in a meetting and asked me to have a seat and wait. After 15 mins of waiting, I decided to give up being polite and took out my book to read. I waited for another 15 mins ..or maybe it was 20 mins -___- ... He finally came out looking for me.

Let's skip the details during the metting. Let's just say, I don't think I'm gonna be choose. I think of it as an experience more now. But srsy...I need a job bad -____-

Ha Finally

2007-02-22T01:33:00.000-05:00

So after searching and editing, I finally got this whole thing to work.
Apprently, instead of using the new version of the template.
I have to use the old version of it, cuz the different formate -___-